He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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