if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Randomize
