I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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