i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
