she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
