So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
