Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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