i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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