it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
