I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
