he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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