I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
