tell your sister to shave her snatch
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
