He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
