I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
