Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My bed smells like the plague
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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