Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
