I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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