maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
