she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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