This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
