Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
