I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
