Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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