I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
