Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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