She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
