new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
