Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
