when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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