Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
