I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i drank out of a bidet.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
