Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
