first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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