my room smells like sperm. sweet.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
