Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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