Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
