Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
