just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
