I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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