True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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