I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
