He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
