just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
