well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Randomize
