Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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