I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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