No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
