Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
