god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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