Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
